SOME DAYS I DONT WANT TO BE MOMMY!

Some days I just don’t want to be a mom…HONESTLY!  I want to quit cause its too hard, too demanding, too emotionally and physically draining, too much repeating myself, too much giving.  Just too much.  I  want to get back in bed, pull the covers over my head and pretend I don’t hear them screaming “MOMMY!”  But you cant exactly say to a one year old go and change your own diaper and leave me alone cause I am tired.  What am I to do when everyone is asking me where is dinner and I want to say,  “I am hungry too, why don’t you all figure it out and let me know when you have the answer.”  Then there is the training part.  I have moments of thinking, “God how can I teach my children how to be organized when I cant even remember where I put my cell phone.”  

   

Its in these moments of desperation and feelings of inadequacy that I have to be reminded of the TRUTH.  God is not asking me to be mommy of the year. He is not asking me to do this on my own.  He is asking me to surrender it all to Him.  He is lovingly inviting me to trade my weaknesses for His strength.  When I do this, He alone will get the glory from the mighty harvest that comes from me being a godly mother.  Ok. Pass me my mommy hat and by the way we are having chicken for dinner tonight.

“…My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."

2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT

I AM AN ADDICT!

I am an addict!  It is really difficult for me to get through the day without this thing.  I really cant function and my days seem to fall apart without it.  I must confess that I am addicted to prayer.  Not because I am super spiritual but because I am human with many frailties.  Prayer is my fix.  I really am a hot mess without it (ask my husband and children).  There is just something about throwing myself at the feet of Jesus, telling him all my unedited thoughts.  In prayer I don’t have to tell him what I think he wants to hear.  I tell him what I am really feeling, the good the bad and the ugly.  Then I take him up on his word and ask him to fix me, fix the mess, the pain and the hurt.  There are times when I just sit and cry but I am fully convinced that he understands the meaning of each tear.  And while the cause of my pain may not immediately go away, just being in his presence crying like a baby gives me a peace beyond my understanding.  I leave with a confidence that it is going to be alright. I may not know how it will work out, but our time together reminds me that it will and all for my good. 

Then there are those times I run to prayer  begging the Lord to tell me that I am not crazy for standing in faith even though I feel bullied by doubt and all his buddies.  The times where the comments of others cause me to question if I am being too extreme, taking this faith thing a little too far.  Ever been there?  The times where I need to have the Lord comfort me and remind me that walking by faith will seem foolish to the world but it pleases him, and in the end that’s all that matters.   

 I also have times of  carrying the burdens of those I love, rolling over in my head how to fix them and their situation.  At times  the burden leaves me paralyzed because I want to make it all better .   Then I am reminded that while I have no power to fix anything or anyone, I can pray.  I become even more confident when I remember that God hears  my prayer and is able to change any situation, no matter how hopeless.  So I come to God  on their behalf and do what I should have done in the first place…PRAY!

Then there are times where praise and adoration flow from my lips and I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving.  The more I rehearse his goodness, the more I become aware of how awesome he is and I don’t want the moment to stop. I look for the pause button in these moments of sweet communion, hoping the phone wont ring and the children will remain asleep.  But inevitably these moments of prayer have to come to an end, but the residue of praise remains.

Yes I am addicted.  I am not looking for a cure, just for more!

1 Thessalonians 5:17:  NEVER STOP PRAYING

I am bald but my baldness doesn’t define who I am.  I got it.  Today I embrace me, all of me.  Laying aside the shame, the insecurities and I am choosing to begin the journey of being confident and joyous in who I really am, bald head and all.  Today I did something that I didn’t think I would have had the courage to do before.  I got up in front of a room of about 50 women and as the warm tears flowed down my cheeks I took off my wig and showed them ME .  They didn’t laugh.  They didn’t whisper and tear me down. Instead they cried.  They cheered.  They embraced.  They praised God.  They spoke life.  THEY LOVED ME, the real me. 

This was a defining moment in my life.  I took a stance against the enemy and my actions screamed at him, letting him know that I choose to no longer be bound by the shame he wants me to have.  In that moment I unlocked some of the chains from my past that still had me bound and I CHOSE TO walk in another level of freedom that Jesus has already purchased for me.  In that moment there was a greater level of death to the old me and birth was given to something new.  I am not saying that I will never wear wigs again as I wait for healing to manifest BUT i now have a new perspective!

I have always been overly concerned with what others think of me.  I always have to put my best foot forward.  I have to please.  I have to be liked. Filled with pride.  The same symptoms that lead to my very bald head.   I began to loose my hair because I put too much stress on it with chemicals and weaves.   When I first began to loose my hair, the thought of giving up chemicals  was not even an option.  Why?  Because the real me of course was not good enough, not cute enough,  no way could I  let others see me in my natural state.  Deep rooted insecurities birth from past experiences.

Hear me when I say that this is not about whether or not you should put chemicals or extension in your hair.  Doing these things pointed to a deeper issue  FOR ME (this may not be the case for everyone).  When I was told by a dermatologist to stop putting chemicals in my hair, I scoffed at the idea.  Go natural and show everyone me, absolutely not.  Driven by insecurities and pride I continued the vicious cycle of destroying my hair follicles until they shut down and well, I was left bald  with no other option but to wear wigs.

    

BUT MY GOD IS SO AWESOME.  Through a chain of painful events, the healing process began.  I have prayed and stood in faith believing the Lord to supernaturally restore my hair.  Its nothing for God to just touch my scalp and have hair appear.   However, I recognize that God is more concerned about me getting the lesson than the blessing. The blessing can be fleeting but once I get the lesson its lasting and can be applied to other areas of my life guaranteeing more victory.  Unveiling my bald head  today was necessary for my healing.  It went so much deeper than taking off my wig.  I was taking off the shame, the hurt from the past, insecurities, conflicting thoughts.  I now have even more faith to believe the Lord for restoration of my hair because today inward healing took place and I rejoice!  

What is it that you have to take off for healing to begin?  A new level of freedom awaits you when you do.

So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.  John 8:36

Can I Tell You Something?

I have settled into my NEW NORMAL!  The last few months have been quite an adventure and we are beginning to slow down FOR NOW...  We were blessed to move into a bigger home to accommodate our large family.  God moved in a supernatural way and opened a door that we could not open on our own. This blog is to encourage you to stand in faith and to believe God for the impossible.  This is not just about a bigger house but it is to put spotlight on a God that still honors faith and moves mountains.  Put on your cyber listening ears and allow me to TESTIFY!!!!!

When my husband and I first moved into our previous home 8 years ago, it was so big.  It was just the two of us and a baby on the way.  That was in 2003.  But 2005 came and we welcomed our 2nd child, then wouldnt you know it baby number 3 came in 2007.  We had developed a pattern of having a baby on odd years and the trend continued.  Baby number 4 came in 2009 and blessing number five came 2011.  If you were exhausted reading that imagine what it was like for us. Needless to say, we outgrew our humble abode and desperately needed more space.

But there was just one little problem.  The finances were telling us that we COULDNT afford to move.  When we first moved in our home, it required a lot of TLC, so we took out a loan to do some home improvement.  After we were done doing what we needed to do to make the home livable, we had incurred a large amount of debt. We were not required to pay back the loan until we moved out of the house and there was no interest.  We did not anticipate having so many children so quickly and assumed that we would be in the house for quite a while.  God however had another plan.  My husband was the only one with an income. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 8 years, so we didnt just happen to have an extra $28,000 hanging out in our savings to pay this debt so we could move.  But we couldnt deny that we needed more space.  We petitioned the Lord and had other like minded believers standing in faith with us. To make a very long story short the debt was FORGIVEN IN FULL!  God seems to major in forgiveness of debt doesn't He, remember the cross scenario?  We received news that our $28,000 debt was forgiven in full the day that our fifth child came out of his first of three major surgeries.  The news was a great source of encouragement for us during this season of great uncertainty.  We were were SUPER EXCITED!  But we still did not have any extra money to move forward!

We continued to stand in faith and not focus on our bank account.  We went looking at homes that we knew we couldnt afford, all the while praying for yet another miracle.  The house hunting process was a very long one and we had many moments of feeling discouraged but pressed forward in faith.  There were many believers standing and believing with us.  In the process of looking for a home, a dear sister at our church told us something that we initially did not have the faith for.  She told us that she was believing the Lord to give us a house that was no less than 4000 sq ft and that our new mortgage would be the same or less than what we had been paying for our 1100 sq ft home.  WHAT? That was just crazy. We did the smile and nod script when she first shared this impossible desire with us.  But with time, we began to believe the Lord for just that.

To add to the frustration of the house hunting process, no one seemed to be interested in our home that was now on the market.  By divine intervention we had some teachers from our children's school LITERALLY show up at our front door expressing interest in renting our home. We had previously dismissed the idea of renting because we did not want to deal with having people in our home that we did not know.  BUT the Lord stepped in and sent these tenants to our front door.  They were very serious about renting the property, so much so that they were willing to give us security deposit months in advance.  It was also an added bonus that they were not total strangers to us. We agreed to rent them the property but expressing to them that we still had not found a home to purchase.

Right when we hit the point of fatigue, my husband came across a home on the internet in an area that we had not even thought about.  The home was only 5 years old and had recently gone into foreclosure. When my husband saw it on the internet, it had been on the market for a few days.  I must admit that when he first showed me the home online, I was not impressed and thought that it looked too good to be true.  I assumed that there had to be a catch and they were lying about the measurements of the home considering the listing price.  He  called our Realtor and had her schedule an  appointment.  RELUCTANTLY i went.  I had my "I told you so" speech all ready for after we viewed the house and realized that it was a scam.  But wouldnt you know it, God blew our minds!  The home was beautiful, perfect for our family.  We made an offer that was lower than the already reasonable listing price.  We were told that  the bank would not entertain our price because the asking price was already so low.  We figured God had brought us this far so why not!  The bank did budge and fast forward to a few months later, I am now sitting in that same house on my computer typing my TESTIMONY!

Yes thats right, the home is now ours.  Not only is it a beautiful home but it is 4103 sq ft and oh yeah our mortgage payment is $25 dollars cheaper than what we were paying for our 1100 sq ft home. GLORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Now God is not our genie who just gives us whatever we want whenever we want it.  This was a process and it served a purpose. During our season of waiting God taught us

1. To give out of our lack,even when it just doesnt make sense
2. God's timing is certainly not ours but dont give up if it doesnt come when you desperately want it to or expect it.
3. To Serve Him faithfully even when we dont have what we WANT.
4. Continually surrender and relinquish control even in areas that is downright uncomfortable (e.g. having all these babies when we just didnt see how on ONE income?)
5.  Continue to walk in faith and not be concerned about appearing negligent and foolish in the eyes of others.
6. When the blessing comes, it may not be in the package you expect it but its just what you need
7.  Look to Him and not man to be our provider
8.  We dont have to try to defend why we serve Jesus, He always silences the naysayers in a LOUD WAY
9.  Praise Him in LITTLE and in PLENTY cause He is the same good  God regardless of the season
10. Serve God and not the blessing!

Ephesians 3:20
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, ²¹ to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

A GREAT DISTRACTION

It is so easy for me to get distracted.  I start cleaning my living room and go to the kitchen to get something and before you know it, I start cleaning the kitchen, forgetting about the living room.  I go on the internet to google great colors to paint your kitchen and also begin to look up colors for the closet.  There are times where I am “accidentally” distracted.  However, most of the time I am actively looking for a distraction in attempts to avoid something that needs to be addressed. 

The other morning I was exhausted and desperately needed to clean my house but I was LOOKING for something to distract me. I didn’t want to think, I didn’t want to move. Then it happened.  I heard the Holy Spirit whisper ever so gently inviting me be distracted by Him.  Now there is a thought for you!  What if in my moments of fatigue, desperation, and despair I run to the Lord to distract me?  This is certainly not a novel idea. The Lord has already made this invitation to all of us in Mathew 11:28, when He said, “…Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” 

We look for distractions because we don’t want to deal with whatever is before us.  When I allow the Lord to be my distraction, He gives me rest and I don’t become overwhelmed or consumed by the very thing I am running from.  When I sit in His presence, I get refreshed, gain wisdom, find peace and abiding joy!  Very much a worthwhile distraction!

VICTORY!

I was driving the other day and began to reflect on my past and the tears began to flow.  Tears of regret.   I began to reflect on some poor choices that I made and the consequences that followed, some of which had an impact on me even after I came to Christ.  I began to play out different scenes in my head and the more I thought on them the more depressed I became, then the enemy began to accuse and mock me.  He reminded me that I should have known better and how could I?  I allowed myself to receive the accusations.   Now mind you, I have long repented of these sins but in that moment I began to relive them.  I allowed the enemy to trick me into feeling condemned.  

I had to make a choice to SNAP out of this and recognize that I NOW have the victory.  The Anika that played out in those scenes in my head was dead, I no longer knew this person and by the grace of God, that old Anika will never be resurrected!  I have the victory but I had to claim it at that moment of condemnation, it wasn’t an automatic thing.  I am in a war and I had no choice but to engage and fight the devil with the truth of God’s word.    I had to remind myself of the NEW & IMPROVED ME!  The New blood bought, sanctified, Forgiven, Victorious Me!  & you know what, the more I stood on who I now am, the devil had to get off my back.  I am sure he will revisit again but I thank God that I have the ammunition to fight and to rebuke!

DO you find yourself living in condemnation?  What triggers these moment of condemnation?  Do you wallow in self pity or do you stand on the truth of God’s word and fight?  Don’t let the devil take you back, move forward in who you now are in Christ!

2 Corinthians 5:17

If any man is in Christ He is a new creation.  Old things are passed away and behold all things have become new. 

AMEN & AMEN! I absolutely love this verse, it is my reality!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQfc7iQecw8  (powerful song that fully illustrates my point)

HE IS SUCH A KNOW IT ALL

The other morning I was having devotion with my five children.  Let me rephrase that, all five of them were in the room but only 3 were paying attention.  I read them the story of Ezekiel and the valley of dry bones.  Then we got to the verse where Ezekiel calls God sovereign.  Of course inquiring minds wanted to know what sovereign meant.   I tried my best to explain to my young children the meaning, then the light bulb went off for my 8 year old and she said, “Oh so God is a know it all!”  EXACTLY!  Yes He is a know it all because He is in control!  The two go hand in hand, being in control and all knowing!     In her 2^nd grade world, being labeled as a know it all is right up there with being called a tattletale.  But she understood that God’s label was a bit different.  I absolutely love the way God reveals Himself to children.  Simple yet very profound.   

I am so happy that I know THE KNOW IT ALL GOD!  If I rest in the fact that God is in control and He knows it all, would I worry so much?  Would I question His plans for my life, wondering if He may steer me the wrong way?  Would I fight with everything in me to have control?  I mean really.  I should be floating through life in the arms of my in control, know it all God, rejoicing that He knows the end from the beginning and ALL (I mean ALL) I have to do is TRUST HIM!  So refreshing to be reminded of this truth.  Life is unpredictable. We will have seasons of joy and others of great struggle but relax our know it all God is in control.

Read the story of Ezekiel and Valley of Dry Bones (Ezekiel 37).  Great source of encouragement! 

Rose Colored Glasses

We were sitting at the table having a lighthearted conversation over lunch when  Joel asked me what  I was  like when I was younger.  Before I could give him a long poetic answer as to how wonderful , special & loveable I was as a child, his sister blurts out, “SHE WAS A HEATHEN!”  I was shocked and totally caught off guard by her response.  I have had previous conversations with Naomi about my past and explained to her that I did not always serve Jesus so that made me a heathen.  I didn’t expect her to repeat this, at least not in my moment to shine, not in my moment of bragging to my first born man child as to how special his mommy was.

Isnt it so tempting and easy to look back at our past through rose colored glasses?  If we are not careful, we allow the enemy to trick us into believing that it was better back then.  This can grow seeds of discontentment leaving us longing for a yesterday that really wasn’t all that wonderful, especially if we didn’t know Christ.  How often do we look at our present life and think it was so much better then…but was it really?  We need the truth of God’s word to shock us into how much better things are TODAY because we know him, even if we don’t have the perfect spouse, perfect job, perfect children, perfect home, etc…  Things are absolutely positively better because we know JESUS!

In what areas of your life have you allowed discontentment to creep in, leaving you to long for yesterday?  Do you feel like you look back at your past through distorted lens?  What can you be thankful for TODAY?  How is your life better today, have you thanked God for the change?

Luke 9:62

But Jesus told him, "Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God."

Cleaning House

I was on a mission to clean my house the day before my 34^th birthday.  Appropriate birthday gift for myself I thought.  Forget the flowers and candy,  I just wanted to sit on my birthday and look at a clean house with everything in order.  While I was on my mission, my tenacious two year old had his own agenda.  He was looking for some candy.  He knew that I often kept gum in my room, out of their reach.  So as I was cleaning, he was searching.  I stepped out of my room for a few minutes and when I returned, Elijah had moved the ottoman from the front of my bed in hopes that he would find gum there.  Instead of finding his treasure, he found a mess of clothing and random things that had fallen on the ground and had been covered by the ottoman.  When I walked in the room, I looked at the mess, and did what any sleep deprived, mission oriented, I just want my house to “look” clean if only for a day mother of five would do. .. I pushed the ottoman back in its proper position and hid the mess again.  PERFECT.  As I pushed the ottoman back in its ‘proper’ place, I muttered to myself, “I just don’t want to deal with this today.” My focus was to clean the surface, only what could be seen.

How often have we taken this approach when it comes to our walk with Christ?   We come to the Lord and we cry out, “Lord clean me, wash me, mold me.”  All the things that sound good, the things we think God wants to hear.   But as He begins to clean (purify) us, He begins to pull away the spiritual ottoman if you will that have been covering our mess.  Sadly we often do what I did the day before my birthday, we push the ottoman back to cover the mess.  Too much work to be purified.  We want to remain on the surface, Lord don’t start shifting stuff and showing me how “dirty” I am, my imperfections.  It is more comfortable to appear “clean” as opposed to allowing the Lord to go beneath the surface with us.

But consider this, I would have had to be the one to clean up the exposed mess in my room that day.  However, it is not the same when God shows us our mess.  He doesn’t expect us to clean ourselves, He does the job for us!  HE just wants us to humble ourselves and surrender to the process.  We don’t have to get it right on our own!  Isnt this awesome news?!   So what are you waiting for?  Allow the Lord to do some deep cleaning in you, you wont regret it!

Psalm 51:7

Purify me from my sins,^[c] and I will be clean;   wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Answered Prayer

At the beginning of 2011, the cry of my heart was for the more of God.  I asked God to fill me with His spirit in a way that I had never experienced before.  One year later I can reflect and say that He did just that.  He didn’t quite answer my prayers in the way I had script it in my mind.  Yeah I got the more of God, but it wasn’t in a pretty package.  I went through a “winter” season in my marriage, a month’s stay in the hospital and 3 surgeries for my newborn baby, a long season of uncertainty, fatigue, helplessness, and TADA the result is the more of God.  Yeah, not a pretty package but   definitely the desired result. My marriage is now even stronger and my baby is healed; but even better, It was through my suffering that I came to a “sweet” place in God.  My suffering reminded me of my helplessness and the beauty of knowing Jesus!  IT was through my suffering that I saw Jesus even the more.  There is something about suffering that gives you the proper perspective, that is, if you CHOOSE to surrender and rely on God’s grace.  I will be the first to confess that coming to that place of surrender and relying totally on God's grace is a lot easier in the theory than in practice.  Nevertheless IT IS POSSIBLE!  What opportunities are in your life now for growth?  Opportunities to be even closer to God and to look more like Him?  We don’t always look at sufferings as opportunities for growth, but they are. Embrace your suffering, something beautiful awaits you on the other side.

Romans 8:17 (NLT)

¹⁷ And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.

2 Corinthians 1:5 (NLT)

⁵ For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.

I AM HOMESICK

Below is my journal entry from the beginning of 2011.  Tomorrow, I will post how God answered this cry of my heart...stay tuned!

January 11, 2011

It almost seemed morbid when I used to hear others say they longed for heaven. I  couldn’t understand, perhaps because I was not spiritually ready and heaven was not to be my inheritance.  But I think I got it, I too am NOW homesick.  I long for my heavenly home.  No I am not depressed or ungrateful for what God has blessed me with, but my perspective has shifted…I got it!  This earth is not my home.  This is just a speck in regards to the rest of eternity.  I am homesick and I want to remain homesick.  Lord help me to never get comfortable here on earth, let me always live in the reality that this is not my home.  If I stay homesick then the cares of this life wont carry the same weight.  If I am homesick what does it matter that I don’t have everything that I want and desire this side of heaven.  If I am homesick  then Jesus is at the forefront of my thoughts and I don’t allow myself to get distracted.  God don’t cure my homesickness, don’t take it away, increase the desire so that I may remain focus on you while I am here on earth. 

How do I stay in the place of thinking about heaven?  How do I stay in the place of always having my eyes fixed on Jesus, the Lamb that was slain for my sin; the one who made  it possible for me to come home someday?  Jesus I don’t get it all and I know that I cant live as if I am not human, but keep heaven on my mind.  Keep heaven on my mind.  This year I desire to go to a place in you that I have never been before.  I don’t know what that place is, I don’t know what it looks like, what it feels like but God I want more of you.  I want your spirit to just explode within me so that when my day comes to be with you in heaven, you wont be foreign to me.  Worship will have already been my breath; communion with you will already be my lifestyle.  Show me everyday how to prepare for eternity.  The angels are constantly giving you praise in my heavenly home, show me how to praise you so that my voice can join there’s when I finally see you.   Are you homesick?

Philippians 3:20-21

 But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior.  He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control.

Extreme Faith

Admittedly, I am a person given to extremes.  My husband can attest to that.   He has had to endure many of my, “I am not going to ever again,”   “this is the best thing ever,”   “I will Always”  speeches.  God bless his patient soul.  If I find something new, I take it and I run with it.  I mean sprint.  Like the time I found out about the negative impact of hormones, high fructose corn syrup, and non organic products on your health.  I made up my mind that I would never again purchase foods that aren’t ALL NATURAL.   Then the inevitable moments came.  I  saw our bank account and remembered the power of praying, “Lord bless this food and remove all impurities (pesticides, hormones & all) In Jesus’ name I pray. AMEN!”   Money in the bank, food in my tummy!    Or the time I told myself I would never buy store bought cosmetic products, making my own was cheaper and better!  Then the reality of having 5 children, a small house that couldn’t house an amateur chemistry lab, and time to barely get  dinner on the table most nights set in.  While this is an ambitious idea, it’s not always possible.  My family will not be scarred for life if they have to use store bought products  once in awhile instead of my homemade  concoctions.  Thank God for those $5 off $15 coupon from Bed Bath & Beyond.  With these coupons, I can get ready made products when I am not able to be the next Carol’s Daughter. 

Yes I have had to soften my stance and back down on many of my extreme statements BUT there are some EXTREMES I hold to.

• Jesus is still the only way.  I mean ONLY! (John 14:6)
• Holiness is still a command, not an option! (1 Peter 1:16)
• God is still good, even when things don’t turn out the way I want them to and I hurt (Job 13:15)
• He still perform miracles, not just paying my light bill miracle.  I am talking about dead coming back to life miracle!  (Hebrews 13:8)

 I am amazed and even disheartened at how compromise has seeped into the church because we avoid being too extreme in our faith. Remind me again, did Jesus not die an extreme death!   We don’t want to be considered politically incorrect.  We worry too much about offending people so we bite our tongues when we have opportunities to share.  We want to fit in.  We want to be liked.  We have become sophisticated cowards.   But let me remind you, the gospel is offensive and it cuts, no way around it.

 Do you currently have any areas of compromise in your life?  In what ways have you strayed from  the extreme truth of the gospel?  I encourage you to repent and ask God to give you the grace to WALK IN ALL OF THE TRUTH OF HIS WORD!  No matter how Extreme!

Romans 12:2 (NLT)

² Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

 Hebrews 4:12-12 NLT

For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. ¹³Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.

Are you serious...rejoice in suffering?

Below is a journal entry I wrote shortly after our fifth child Isaiah was born.  A day after his birth, Isaiah had to be admitted to the NICU and eventually underwent three surgeries.  This was a season of intense pain for our family because everyday was so unpredictable and his life fragile. Today, Isaiah is totally healed (yes God is still in the healing business).   I chose to post this today because we often look for God to do something new and tend to have spiritual amnesia and rob God of the glory and the praise He deserves for what He has already done.  Today as I reflect on what he did for our baby boy, I will PRAISE HIM!

Journal Entry from August 2012

Yesterday I was gripped with a sudden fear that Isaiah may die.  It pained me to think of this.  I tried with all my might to “pull” through this fear, but it was overwhelming.    I could barely find the strength to fight, I felt paralyzed. I rebuked the devil, declared that God had not given me the spirit of fear but of power love and sound mind, but must admit I was still struggling.  I also felt bad that I couldn’t be there for him at all times to just hold him whenever I wanted and whenever he needed me.   Isn’t this what a mother is supposed to do?  Talk about feeling inadequate and guilty.  As I went through the day, I could hear in a still small voice, “it pleased the father to bruise the son.”  I couldn’t remember where the scripture was taken from, but as I tried to sink in self pity, the scripture kept on ringing in my spirit.  It was puzzling to me because I could not comprehend HOW (not why) God could  handle seeing His own son crucified.  I understood the theology behind it but as a parent  I couldn’t understand the emotional aspect of it, you know, the feeling part.

Right before I went to sleep last night, I struggled to open the bible, but I finally did.  I turned to the book of James and came across James 1:2-4  “Count it all joy, (ANIKA),^[ when you meet trials of various kinds, ³for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. ⁴And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. This was not even  the scripture I was looking for but God knew it was just what I NEEDED!  Why is rejoicing in suffering such a resounding theme in scripture….AWWW!  What is there to be happy about when you are suffering?  I obviously missed that memo yesterday.   I didn’t want to hear what the scripture was saying at the moment but all I could do was smile because I knew what the Lord was speaking to my heart.  As I sat and reread and reread and reread that passage, a great peace came over me, a peace that exceeded anything I could understand (Philippians 4:7).  Amazing how the word of God gets to the heart of the matter and cause all fear to dissipate. 

  I cant understand all the why’s behind the whats during this season of my life, but I have to learn to not just accept it and say the Lord knows and He is going to bring me out, but I have to rejoice (not just lip service) even in this because it is ultimately about God getting the glory and Him perfecting me.

So this takes me back to the scripture that was ringing in my spirit yesterday, I looked it up and found that it was Isaiah 53:10, “But it was the LORD's good plan to crush him and fill him with grief. (speaking of Jesus) Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have a multitude of children, many heirs. He will enjoy a long life, and the LORD's plan will prosper in his hands. 11 When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. And because of what he has experienced, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins.   God could rejoice in what Jesus went through because He knew what the end was going to be…my salvation, our salvation. Jesus’ story did not end in suffering, it ended in triumph!  God provided an awesome example for me to REJOICE IN THE MIDST OF THE SUFFERING.  It was easy for me to speak faith when all of this began. I thought it would end just as quickly as it started but this is not the case.  Isaiah is still in the hospital, and even after he comes out, there is much adjusting that we will have to do.  There is also another surgery awaiting him when he gets a little older to reconnect his intestines.   I don’t know all the details of Isaiah’s story and what God has in store for him, but I must learn to press pass my feelings and begin to rejoice as I am in the MIDST OF IT because in the end God and God alone will get all the glory!  Can I live at this place EVERYDAY as I wait for the full manifestation of Isaiah’s healing?  I pray for the grace to do just that.

One of THOSE Kind of People

I happen to be one of THOSE  kind of people.

 You know

The kind that are narrow minded and are fully convinced that Jesus is the only way. 

One of those that get to shouting loud and dancing in church when they reflect on where God brought them from.  

The kind you avoid talking to & screen their calls if you are not in the mood for all that Jesus talk

You see, to understand who I AM

You have to understand who I WAS

I used to be one of THOSE kind of people

You know

the kind that knew the truth but chose not to live it

One of those that were in church but not in Christ

The kind that would prefer to pretend that all was well but falling apart on the inside

But today

I lift my hands and shout with everything that is within me

I AM REDEEMED, FREE, FILLED WITH JOY, & UNASHAMED OF MY FAITH IN JESUS!

Yeah , without apology

I happen to be one of THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE! 

I Can't But I will

A few weeks ago, I did something that I did not think was possible.  I. RAN. FOR. TWO. MILES. WITHOUT. STOPPING!  Don’t ask me how long it took, that’s not even the point of the story, don’t steal my moment.  Ok so back to my story, I ran the entire 8 laps on the outdoor track without stopping.  I started off with failure in mind, no determination to actually run the entire distance.  Before I began, I had already concluded that it was too difficult and not possible.   BEFORE I STARTED I CAME TO THIS CONCLUSION!  

I ran the first lap and decided that it was too hard and that I would just walk the other one, alternating running and walking until I completed the 8 laps.  BUT THEN  sheer determination kicked in after the first lap, I thought, “hey I just ran one, why not two, and then I will walk the third.”  I  completed the 3^rd lap and thought, “ not too bad, why don’t I just keep going?”   I had this conversation with myself and before I knew it, well a little while after, I had ran all 8 laps.  When I came to the 8^th lap and had a few more yards in front of me, I mustered up enough strength to sprint the last few yards.  Ok, so to others it would have been a fast jog but for me, I was sprinting. AND THEN SWEET VICTORY WHEN MY FEET CROSSED THE FINISH LINE.  I accomplished something I didn’t think was possible.

Isnt this how it can sometimes be with our walk with Christ?  Many times we see what God is requiring of us, and before we even start we tell God we cant, it is just not possible.   I have had the I just cant do it, I don’t see how speech with God so many times.  I realize that while my mouth is saying I CANT, when I take a closer look what my unsurrendered heart is really saying  is I DON’T WANT TO.    

However like I learned that day on the track, if you are willing, it is possible.  In my relationship with God, I find that He is not asking if I can do it in my own strength, it is more, ARE YOU WILLING TO DO IT?   When I am willing, He gives me the strength to carry out the task, His grace kicks in.  People often  tell me how impressed they are at my ability to mother these five children but on my really humble days, instead of basking in the compliments,  I am willing to admit that I am not doing this on my own.  I am operating on sheer grace, cause truth be told, I have moments where I am at an absolute lost and don’t know how to respond when everyone is having a meltdown, INCLUDING ME!

God is not at all concerned about your ability and is more focused and your WILLINGNESS.  Your willingness points to your surrender, and I find that I cant really surrender to someone that I don’t trust.  If there is an absence of trust, then this diminishes the quality of the relationship.  OUCH!  Tough truth to swallow but truth nevertheless. 

What is God asking you to do that you have already said no to before you even start?  Is it a closer relationship with him?  Is it a career move, a relationship?  More sacrifice in your giving, service, use of your talents? Are you allowing the enemy to whisper thoughts of defeat telling you that you have been down this path before, and you will fail again?  Go ahead I encourage you to take one step in that direction and watch God’s grace kick in to accomplish what you deem to be impossible!

Philippians 2:13  NLT
For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.

2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT
Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.