Reminded

  I'm amazed at how God can create strength  during a season of difficulty.  I was at the hospital last night visiting Faith (baby # 6) and I had an opportunity to connect with another mom whose son was also in nicu.  We swapped our stories and the stress associated with having a newborn in the nicu. We were both physically exhausted but God allowed her to see something in me beyond my physical exhaustion.  She mentioned that it was evident that I had peace.  Here I was physically and emotionally exhausted from running back and forth to the hospital while still trying to maintain some sense of normalcy for the other five children at home, but God allowed this women to see beyond that.  She saw something that I couldn't fabricate.  He allowed her to see that He was the one carrying me and that His grace is sufficient .  As I encouraged this distraught mom, I in turn began to be reminded of what I knew to be true, God is faithful!  I told her of my past experience in the nicu with baby number 5, I told her the lessons I learned, I told her this was working for my good and there was a purpose in all of this.   I spoke to her from a sincere place, not from what I heard or read but what I had experienced during my previous seasons of difficulty. I experienced God in a powerful way which birth a greater level of confidence. A confidence that radiates peace even when my body is weary.  At the end of the conversation a prayer was said, tears were shed, and hugs were exchanged.  I walked away with a renewed strength for the journey because I was reminded.

Difficulty is a thread that has been woven into my life but it has brought such a sweet return.  Going through doesn't feel good, it hurts and yes I have had moments of crying, feeling overwhelmed and being very emotional.  I want my baby home with me and not in the hospital . But I cannot deny the beauty on the other side of suffering, and this time around, I am catching glimpses of beauty before the trial even ends. It seems like a contradiction, beauty for ashes?  Very true, it's my reality.

Happy Mother's Day

Yesterday I celebrated 9 years of being a mother! It's been quite a ride. Here I am sitting in a hospital room awaiting the birth of our sixth child. One more to add to the quiver, one more to crown me with the title, mommy! I have been in the hospital on bed rest for the last two weeks (story to follow). I have been in great spirit feeling encouraged but the day before Mothers Day I broke. The tears flowed and sadness overwhelmed me. why? I missed my children. I missed the younger ones slobber kisses. I missed their hugs. I missed the older ones going on and on about what happened in school. I missed their sweet smiles. I missed the noise that is inevitable in a house with five children. I missed making them dinner and hearing, "oh mommy this is even better than the last time you made it, or...this Is yuck, did you use a lot of coconut oil in this?" I missed smiling at the compliments or sternly reminding them they didn't have to cook it so don't complain. I missed their attempts at telling jokes and I missed making my laughs at the punch line believable. I missed the whispers and chuckles that I heard at night when they were supposed to be sleeping. I missed them more than I thought I would.

Now before I get carried away with being sentimental and looking through rose colored glasses, I recognize that the tears I cried before Mother's Day were not for all of the moments with my Five rewards. I certainly didn't miss the mad rush we have to make to the bus stop every morning while operating like a sergeant in the army. I didnt miss reminding them over and over again to clean up, the fights, the loads of laundry they created. I didn't miss the way they wait til I get on the phone to try to engage me in conversation.  No tears were shed for those moments.

But hey like anything else  motherhood is a package deal. And yesterday on Mother's Day all five of them came to visit me with homemade crafts, poems,sweet words, and slobber kisses. It was a happy Mother's Day indeed !