Forgive Me

Take me to the place where I don’t matter.  Take me to the place where I am not easily offended.  An offense is often present when I think too much of myself…How dare they, do they know who I am?   Consume me Lord. Fire of God burn it out.  Restore every broken place.  Take me to the place where I don’t even notice if I am not noticed!  To that place where I am not waiting to hear my name mentioned.  TO that place of not caring if I look or talk the part.  TO that place where no one, not even me matters, ONLY YOU!  God I am so far from that place and only you can bridge this gap.  I know that you are not asking me to get to this place on my own, because in my strength it is impossible.  You were waiting on me Lord.  Waiting on me to desire true humility, waiting on me to be disgusted with pride, my personal pride.  God hear the cry of my heart, the deepest places that no one else sees but you. All of you Lord and none of me. Here I am, forgive me.

Reminded

  I'm amazed at how God can create strength  during a season of difficulty.  I was at the hospital last night visiting Faith (baby # 6) and I had an opportunity to connect with another mom whose son was also in nicu.  We swapped our stories and the stress associated with having a newborn in the nicu. We were both physically exhausted but God allowed her to see something in me beyond my physical exhaustion.  She mentioned that it was evident that I had peace.  Here I was physically and emotionally exhausted from running back and forth to the hospital while still trying to maintain some sense of normalcy for the other five children at home, but God allowed this women to see beyond that.  She saw something that I couldn't fabricate.  He allowed her to see that He was the one carrying me and that His grace is sufficient .  As I encouraged this distraught mom, I in turn began to be reminded of what I knew to be true, God is faithful!  I told her of my past experience in the nicu with baby number 5, I told her the lessons I learned, I told her this was working for my good and there was a purpose in all of this.   I spoke to her from a sincere place, not from what I heard or read but what I had experienced during my previous seasons of difficulty. I experienced God in a powerful way which birth a greater level of confidence. A confidence that radiates peace even when my body is weary.  At the end of the conversation a prayer was said, tears were shed, and hugs were exchanged.  I walked away with a renewed strength for the journey because I was reminded.

Difficulty is a thread that has been woven into my life but it has brought such a sweet return.  Going through doesn't feel good, it hurts and yes I have had moments of crying, feeling overwhelmed and being very emotional.  I want my baby home with me and not in the hospital . But I cannot deny the beauty on the other side of suffering, and this time around, I am catching glimpses of beauty before the trial even ends. It seems like a contradiction, beauty for ashes?  Very true, it's my reality.

Happy Mother's Day

Yesterday I celebrated 9 years of being a mother! It's been quite a ride. Here I am sitting in a hospital room awaiting the birth of our sixth child. One more to add to the quiver, one more to crown me with the title, mommy! I have been in the hospital on bed rest for the last two weeks (story to follow). I have been in great spirit feeling encouraged but the day before Mothers Day I broke. The tears flowed and sadness overwhelmed me. why? I missed my children. I missed the younger ones slobber kisses. I missed their hugs. I missed the older ones going on and on about what happened in school. I missed their sweet smiles. I missed the noise that is inevitable in a house with five children. I missed making them dinner and hearing, "oh mommy this is even better than the last time you made it, or...this Is yuck, did you use a lot of coconut oil in this?" I missed smiling at the compliments or sternly reminding them they didn't have to cook it so don't complain. I missed their attempts at telling jokes and I missed making my laughs at the punch line believable. I missed the whispers and chuckles that I heard at night when they were supposed to be sleeping. I missed them more than I thought I would.

Now before I get carried away with being sentimental and looking through rose colored glasses, I recognize that the tears I cried before Mother's Day were not for all of the moments with my Five rewards. I certainly didn't miss the mad rush we have to make to the bus stop every morning while operating like a sergeant in the army. I didnt miss reminding them over and over again to clean up, the fights, the loads of laundry they created. I didn't miss the way they wait til I get on the phone to try to engage me in conversation.  No tears were shed for those moments.

But hey like anything else  motherhood is a package deal. And yesterday on Mother's Day all five of them came to visit me with homemade crafts, poems,sweet words, and slobber kisses. It was a happy Mother's Day indeed !

SOME DAYS I DONT WANT TO BE MOMMY!

Some days I just don’t want to be a mom…HONESTLY!  I want to quit cause its too hard, too demanding, too emotionally and physically draining, too much repeating myself, too much giving.  Just too much.  I  want to get back in bed, pull the covers over my head and pretend I don’t hear them screaming “MOMMY!”  But you cant exactly say to a one year old go and change your own diaper and leave me alone cause I am tired.  What am I to do when everyone is asking me where is dinner and I want to say,  “I am hungry too, why don’t you all figure it out and let me know when you have the answer.”  Then there is the training part.  I have moments of thinking, “God how can I teach my children how to be organized when I cant even remember where I put my cell phone.”  

   

Its in these moments of desperation and feelings of inadequacy that I have to be reminded of the TRUTH.  God is not asking me to be mommy of the year. He is not asking me to do this on my own.  He is asking me to surrender it all to Him.  He is lovingly inviting me to trade my weaknesses for His strength.  When I do this, He alone will get the glory from the mighty harvest that comes from me being a godly mother.  Ok. Pass me my mommy hat and by the way we are having chicken for dinner tonight.

“…My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."

2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT

I AM AN ADDICT!

I am an addict!  It is really difficult for me to get through the day without this thing.  I really cant function and my days seem to fall apart without it.  I must confess that I am addicted to prayer.  Not because I am super spiritual but because I am human with many frailties.  Prayer is my fix.  I really am a hot mess without it (ask my husband and children).  There is just something about throwing myself at the feet of Jesus, telling him all my unedited thoughts.  In prayer I don’t have to tell him what I think he wants to hear.  I tell him what I am really feeling, the good the bad and the ugly.  Then I take him up on his word and ask him to fix me, fix the mess, the pain and the hurt.  There are times when I just sit and cry but I am fully convinced that he understands the meaning of each tear.  And while the cause of my pain may not immediately go away, just being in his presence crying like a baby gives me a peace beyond my understanding.  I leave with a confidence that it is going to be alright. I may not know how it will work out, but our time together reminds me that it will and all for my good. 

Then there are those times I run to prayer  begging the Lord to tell me that I am not crazy for standing in faith even though I feel bullied by doubt and all his buddies.  The times where the comments of others cause me to question if I am being too extreme, taking this faith thing a little too far.  Ever been there?  The times where I need to have the Lord comfort me and remind me that walking by faith will seem foolish to the world but it pleases him, and in the end that’s all that matters.   

 I also have times of  carrying the burdens of those I love, rolling over in my head how to fix them and their situation.  At times  the burden leaves me paralyzed because I want to make it all better .   Then I am reminded that while I have no power to fix anything or anyone, I can pray.  I become even more confident when I remember that God hears  my prayer and is able to change any situation, no matter how hopeless.  So I come to God  on their behalf and do what I should have done in the first place…PRAY!

Then there are times where praise and adoration flow from my lips and I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving.  The more I rehearse his goodness, the more I become aware of how awesome he is and I don’t want the moment to stop. I look for the pause button in these moments of sweet communion, hoping the phone wont ring and the children will remain asleep.  But inevitably these moments of prayer have to come to an end, but the residue of praise remains.

Yes I am addicted.  I am not looking for a cure, just for more!

1 Thessalonians 5:17:  NEVER STOP PRAYING

I am bald but my baldness doesn’t define who I am.  I got it.  Today I embrace me, all of me.  Laying aside the shame, the insecurities and I am choosing to begin the journey of being confident and joyous in who I really am, bald head and all.  Today I did something that I didn’t think I would have had the courage to do before.  I got up in front of a room of about 50 women and as the warm tears flowed down my cheeks I took off my wig and showed them ME .  They didn’t laugh.  They didn’t whisper and tear me down. Instead they cried.  They cheered.  They embraced.  They praised God.  They spoke life.  THEY LOVED ME, the real me. 

This was a defining moment in my life.  I took a stance against the enemy and my actions screamed at him, letting him know that I choose to no longer be bound by the shame he wants me to have.  In that moment I unlocked some of the chains from my past that still had me bound and I CHOSE TO walk in another level of freedom that Jesus has already purchased for me.  In that moment there was a greater level of death to the old me and birth was given to something new.  I am not saying that I will never wear wigs again as I wait for healing to manifest BUT i now have a new perspective!

I have always been overly concerned with what others think of me.  I always have to put my best foot forward.  I have to please.  I have to be liked. Filled with pride.  The same symptoms that lead to my very bald head.   I began to loose my hair because I put too much stress on it with chemicals and weaves.   When I first began to loose my hair, the thought of giving up chemicals  was not even an option.  Why?  Because the real me of course was not good enough, not cute enough,  no way could I  let others see me in my natural state.  Deep rooted insecurities birth from past experiences.

Hear me when I say that this is not about whether or not you should put chemicals or extension in your hair.  Doing these things pointed to a deeper issue  FOR ME (this may not be the case for everyone).  When I was told by a dermatologist to stop putting chemicals in my hair, I scoffed at the idea.  Go natural and show everyone me, absolutely not.  Driven by insecurities and pride I continued the vicious cycle of destroying my hair follicles until they shut down and well, I was left bald  with no other option but to wear wigs.

    

BUT MY GOD IS SO AWESOME.  Through a chain of painful events, the healing process began.  I have prayed and stood in faith believing the Lord to supernaturally restore my hair.  Its nothing for God to just touch my scalp and have hair appear.   However, I recognize that God is more concerned about me getting the lesson than the blessing. The blessing can be fleeting but once I get the lesson its lasting and can be applied to other areas of my life guaranteeing more victory.  Unveiling my bald head  today was necessary for my healing.  It went so much deeper than taking off my wig.  I was taking off the shame, the hurt from the past, insecurities, conflicting thoughts.  I now have even more faith to believe the Lord for restoration of my hair because today inward healing took place and I rejoice!  

What is it that you have to take off for healing to begin?  A new level of freedom awaits you when you do.

So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.  John 8:36

Can I Tell You Something?

I have settled into my NEW NORMAL!  The last few months have been quite an adventure and we are beginning to slow down FOR NOW...  We were blessed to move into a bigger home to accommodate our large family.  God moved in a supernatural way and opened a door that we could not open on our own. This blog is to encourage you to stand in faith and to believe God for the impossible.  This is not just about a bigger house but it is to put spotlight on a God that still honors faith and moves mountains.  Put on your cyber listening ears and allow me to TESTIFY!!!!!

When my husband and I first moved into our previous home 8 years ago, it was so big.  It was just the two of us and a baby on the way.  That was in 2003.  But 2005 came and we welcomed our 2nd child, then wouldnt you know it baby number 3 came in 2007.  We had developed a pattern of having a baby on odd years and the trend continued.  Baby number 4 came in 2009 and blessing number five came 2011.  If you were exhausted reading that imagine what it was like for us. Needless to say, we outgrew our humble abode and desperately needed more space.

But there was just one little problem.  The finances were telling us that we COULDNT afford to move.  When we first moved in our home, it required a lot of TLC, so we took out a loan to do some home improvement.  After we were done doing what we needed to do to make the home livable, we had incurred a large amount of debt. We were not required to pay back the loan until we moved out of the house and there was no interest.  We did not anticipate having so many children so quickly and assumed that we would be in the house for quite a while.  God however had another plan.  My husband was the only one with an income. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 8 years, so we didnt just happen to have an extra $28,000 hanging out in our savings to pay this debt so we could move.  But we couldnt deny that we needed more space.  We petitioned the Lord and had other like minded believers standing in faith with us. To make a very long story short the debt was FORGIVEN IN FULL!  God seems to major in forgiveness of debt doesn't He, remember the cross scenario?  We received news that our $28,000 debt was forgiven in full the day that our fifth child came out of his first of three major surgeries.  The news was a great source of encouragement for us during this season of great uncertainty.  We were were SUPER EXCITED!  But we still did not have any extra money to move forward!

We continued to stand in faith and not focus on our bank account.  We went looking at homes that we knew we couldnt afford, all the while praying for yet another miracle.  The house hunting process was a very long one and we had many moments of feeling discouraged but pressed forward in faith.  There were many believers standing and believing with us.  In the process of looking for a home, a dear sister at our church told us something that we initially did not have the faith for.  She told us that she was believing the Lord to give us a house that was no less than 4000 sq ft and that our new mortgage would be the same or less than what we had been paying for our 1100 sq ft home.  WHAT? That was just crazy. We did the smile and nod script when she first shared this impossible desire with us.  But with time, we began to believe the Lord for just that.

To add to the frustration of the house hunting process, no one seemed to be interested in our home that was now on the market.  By divine intervention we had some teachers from our children's school LITERALLY show up at our front door expressing interest in renting our home. We had previously dismissed the idea of renting because we did not want to deal with having people in our home that we did not know.  BUT the Lord stepped in and sent these tenants to our front door.  They were very serious about renting the property, so much so that they were willing to give us security deposit months in advance.  It was also an added bonus that they were not total strangers to us. We agreed to rent them the property but expressing to them that we still had not found a home to purchase.

Right when we hit the point of fatigue, my husband came across a home on the internet in an area that we had not even thought about.  The home was only 5 years old and had recently gone into foreclosure. When my husband saw it on the internet, it had been on the market for a few days.  I must admit that when he first showed me the home online, I was not impressed and thought that it looked too good to be true.  I assumed that there had to be a catch and they were lying about the measurements of the home considering the listing price.  He  called our Realtor and had her schedule an  appointment.  RELUCTANTLY i went.  I had my "I told you so" speech all ready for after we viewed the house and realized that it was a scam.  But wouldnt you know it, God blew our minds!  The home was beautiful, perfect for our family.  We made an offer that was lower than the already reasonable listing price.  We were told that  the bank would not entertain our price because the asking price was already so low.  We figured God had brought us this far so why not!  The bank did budge and fast forward to a few months later, I am now sitting in that same house on my computer typing my TESTIMONY!

Yes thats right, the home is now ours.  Not only is it a beautiful home but it is 4103 sq ft and oh yeah our mortgage payment is $25 dollars cheaper than what we were paying for our 1100 sq ft home. GLORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Now God is not our genie who just gives us whatever we want whenever we want it.  This was a process and it served a purpose. During our season of waiting God taught us

1. To give out of our lack,even when it just doesnt make sense
2. God's timing is certainly not ours but dont give up if it doesnt come when you desperately want it to or expect it.
3. To Serve Him faithfully even when we dont have what we WANT.
4. Continually surrender and relinquish control even in areas that is downright uncomfortable (e.g. having all these babies when we just didnt see how on ONE income?)
5.  Continue to walk in faith and not be concerned about appearing negligent and foolish in the eyes of others.
6. When the blessing comes, it may not be in the package you expect it but its just what you need
7.  Look to Him and not man to be our provider
8.  We dont have to try to defend why we serve Jesus, He always silences the naysayers in a LOUD WAY
9.  Praise Him in LITTLE and in PLENTY cause He is the same good  God regardless of the season
10. Serve God and not the blessing!

Ephesians 3:20
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, ²¹ to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.