On My Knees

My floors were gross and in desperate need of cleaning.  I passed on using the steam mop and chose to go the old fashioned route.  Out came the bucket and rags as I got on my knees.  My intention was to clean JUST the floors.  However, being on my knees allowed me to see other areas that also needed to be cleaned...my walls, the legs of the table and chairs, the baseboards and the cabinets.  Needless to say, I was on my knees a lot longer than intended, but the results were worth it.

Isn't that how it is when we get on our knees in prayer?  Admittedly, I have times when I just want to blow off some steam in prayer and get on with my daily agenda, but being in the presence of God brings all the "dirty" stuff to the surface. As I commune with Him in sincere prayer, He shows me areas where I have such things as unforgiveness, jealously, bitterness, and pride—areas that need some serious cleansing.  

It is not enough to just get on my knees for a moment, but I must be willing to stay there longer than intended sometimes.  I must enter into His presence with thanksgiving and be willing to be like my three year old, sometimes stuck on repeat, saying the same thing over and over again.  “Thank you Lord for this…”  “Thank you Lord for that…”  “And for this and for that…”  I must offer true praise, acknowledging who He is and what He has done for me.  I have to get comfortable with crying out to God, telling Him all, withholding nothing. But it doesn’t stop at me sharing, I must be willing to have a dialogue and learn when it’s His turn to speak to me during prayer.   I must be willing to stay on my knees as opposed to running away when He doesn't answer the way I desire.  

To get really ‘clean,’ I cannot rely on a quick “I'm just praying because this is what a Christian is supposed to do” kinda prayer.  My life would be no cleaner than my kitchen, showing a surface cleaning. No, prayer must be a priority.  After all, He is coming back for a church without “spot or wrinkle or any other blemish.”

Yes, it takes time but the results are a positively transformed life and greater connection with God and like the satisfaction I gained from my housekeeping duties, it is well worth it!

Faith's story part 3

Read part 1 and part 2 of Faith's story if you haven't done so already.

After 14 days on bed rest, I began to have contractions.  I called my husband late that night letting him know it was show time.  They gave me a shot to stop the contractions.  It worked for a little while.   However by the next morning  the contractions increased and there was no denying that our baby girl was ready to enter the world.   They quickly rushed me to the labor and delivery room. The nurses ran down the hall as they pushed my hospital bed with my husband right behind them.  It was like a scene from a movie. They didnt want to take any chances considering all the unknown factors.  I was given a shot to prevent bleeding on the baby's brain because she was going to be 10 weeks premature. The shot made me sick to my stomach.  I was dizzy, had a pounding headache and felt disoriented.  After waiting a while, the contractions slowed down again. They however decided to keep me in labor and delivery because everything was so unpredictable.

Tyrone went home to take care of some things hoping that we had bought more time. I was famished, I begged to eat something because I had not eaten from the night before when all the action began.  I was placed on a liquid diet, and let me tell you jello and flavored ice never tasted so good. Later that evening the contractions started again. Tyrone was called again, and this time we knew that it was actually going to happen.  In addition to my doctor, nurse, and husband my room was filled with staff from the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) getting the incubator ready.  It was such a surreal moment. My husband and I tried to be "normal" and carry on conversations between contractions but we both knew that our current predicament was everything but normal.  In a few hours we would know if God had answered the way we desired concerning Faith.  I believe the anticipation surrounding Faith's health distracted me from the pain I was feeling with the contractions.  All along I was praying that all would be well. 

                        

The NICU doctor preparing for Faith's arrival in my delivery room.  

The contractions became more intense and closer together and after two pushes on May 14th at 10:29pm, Faith Serenity Jones made her debut into the world. Tyrone did not cut her umbilical cord like he had done for our other 5 children.  Neither of us got to hold her or see what she looked liked. She was immediately rushed to the NICU.  So after 30 weeks of uncertainty, numerous visits to different doctors, 15 days on bed rest, I had no tiny feet or sweet cheeks to kiss.  No baby to nurse.  I had given birth but no crying baby in my arms to prove it.  I felt absolutely numb and empty. No words can truly express what I was feeling.  
                        
          This remained empty after Faith's birth because she wasnt with  me.  She was in the NICU.

My husband and I sat in that room and waited for over two hours with so many unanswered questions about our baby girl.  What did she look like? Was she struggling for life? Were all the possible diagnosis true?  We tried to carry on normal conversation but we were both physically and emotionally exhausted.  I sent a text out to all those praying with us and waiting to hear news, and the only news I could share was her name. No weight or height, no pictures attached, just that she was here.  It was as if time stopped for me.  

After a very long wait, we received news that we could go down to the NICU to see baby Faith.  I was very happy to see Faith, but it was also kind of a scary sight. She was literally skin and bone, she was so small ( weighing only 2p 6 oz 15 inches long).  She had so many cords over her tiny body and a tube over her mouth for oxygen.  Her facial features weren't very noticeable because of all the equipment on her face.  But I needed someone, anyone to answer the nagging questions, was my baby ok, did she have any heart defects, was their bleeding on her brain, did she have a chromosomal abnormality?

              Happy parents meeting Faith for the first time.  It was hard not being able to hold her.

We were told that Faith had a tiny hole in her heart but it was expected to close on its own.  As the days went on, more test were done.  No bleeding on her brain, no chromosomal abnormality, no heart defect. Praise God, other than her low birth weight Faith was fine.  Faith was healed!

She however had to remain in the NICU for 1 month to grow. That proved to be another adventure.  The hospital was 30 minutes from our home and we struggled with maintaining some sense of normalcy with the other five children at home, while trying to go and see Faith.  The children always looked forward to visiting their baby sister in the NICU but we were all ready for her to come home.  It was a very tiring season but we thank God for his grace. After a month, we were given the news we had been praying for, our baby girl could come home! 

                                As Faith grew and got stronger we were able to hold her more. 

                                 

                                     




                            

 Big sister's first time holding Faith.  She was beyond thrilled.

   

                                      
           As I watched Faith grow, I wanted to remember how tiny she really was.  One of the nurses                                       suggested that I put my wedding ring on her fingers to show how tiny she was.

                                            

                                                              All of this for one tiny baby


So here we are, a little bit over a year later and we have celebrated Faith's 1st birthday.  She is tiny in stature but she is thriving and healthy.  For this we are thankful, our God is indeed faithful!

Faith on her first birthday!

Faith posing by her birthday backdrop created by Naomi!  I suppose I should have cropped this so as not to give her secret away.

Faith's Story Part 2

If you havent done so already, you may want to read part 1 of Faith's story.    

All five children had a dentist appointment.  The plan was for me to take them to the dentist and then go and pick Tyrone up from work and head to Costco (the highlight of my day). It was a very long dentist visit and as I was sitting in the waiting room for the last child to finish her cleaning, I knew something was wrong.  Right there in the dentist office my amniotic sac broke and began to leak, how about that for an adventure?  I remained calm, left the dentist office with all five children in tow.  I went to pick Tyrone up from work and as he was entering the van, he could hear me speaking on the phone with my doctor.  She instructed me to go to the hospital right away so that I could be examined.  Believe it or not, I was trying to see if we could make the trip to Costco before going to the hospital. My very wise husband decided against it.  

Tyrone let me out at the hospital so I could go and get examined and he went to park the van.  By the time he made it in with all five kids, I had been examined.  I kindly asked the nurse to tell him what she had just shared with me.  She looked at my husband and informed him that my water did break and I had to be admitted to the hospital and would remain UNTIL I DELIVERED THE BABY.  I really wish I had a camera at that moment to capture the look on both of our faces.  WHAT?!!!  NO!!!!!  We have five children.  I have things to do. I have end of the year papers to sign and special programs to attend at the kids school. I have things at home to prepare before the baby arrives.  I STILL HAVE TO GO TO COSTCO!  

There was no negotiating, I had to remain in the hospital on bed rest.  They were concerned about infections and they wanted the baby to stay in as long as possible considering I was only 28 weeks gestation.  So the papers were signed, 

and there I was just like that on on bed rest.  They gave me steroid shots to help the baby's lungs develop quickly, the shot was more effective 48 hours after it was given.  So another layer was added to the wait and see game. Not only did the baby remain in my womb for that initial 48 hours but she remained for a total of 15 days.  This was a huge blessings because every extra day was beneficial. 

Here is a picture of the board in my hospital room.  Check out what it says under Today's Goal.  

The nurses in the hospital were absolutely amazing and did their best to make me feel comfortable.   We received so much support,help, prayer, meals and words of encouragement from various individuals.  We were certainly grateful for the help.  Tyrone was doing double duty, his job and mine. However I must confess that it was extremely difficult for me to not be the one doing it all, after all I am THE wife and mother. Perhaps there was some pride mixed in there...who am I kidding? Yes! It was pride. I had no choice but to relinquish control because we desperately needed help.  

Yes, that's me doing Naomi's hair as she munches away at the hospital treats.  Believe it or not, doing her hair gave me some sense of normalcy.

People kept on asking me if I was bored and the answer was always no. I really missed being at home with my husband and children, that was the most difficult part.  It was definitely a challenge being still.  But the Lord really used this time to minister to me in some profound ways and he also opened the door for me to minister to some of the individuals that came to my room.  And for those that know me, I am rarely at a loss for words. This personality trait came in handy while on bed rest. I had lots of conversation with the nurses and different visitors.

For the 15 days that I was on bed rest, there was not a day that went by that I did not think about my baby's health. What would be the outcome? As I was in that hospital room, I would lay hands on my womb and decree that the baby was well. But there were moments where fear crept in and whispered, "what if?" God told me to trust him and what I had learned is that putting my trust in God didn't always mean the story would play out the way it was scripted in my mind.  A greater level of trust required me to believe that no matter how the story ended, it was all going to be for my good.

So after 15 long days, on May 14, 2013 Our baby girl began to show signs that she was ready to enter the world. Stay tuned for part three to read what happened next.

  

Faith's Story Part 1

    Three days ago I celebrated my 36th birthday.  It was a blessing and I was left with a heart of gratitude as I thought about this time last year.  On April 29th, 2013 (the day after my 35th birthday) our world was turned upside down.  I was 28 weeks pregnant with our 6th child.  The pregnancy up to that point had been quite eventful.

Here I am 28 weeks pregnant on my 35th birthday.  4/28/13

    I had a preliminary screening done for possible abnormalities when I was in my second trimester.  The results of the screening indicated that the baby was at high risk for spina bifida and down syndrome.  I had a follow up appointment with a level 2 ultrasound.  While the ultrasound ruled out spina bifida there were still great concerns that the baby had some sort of chromosomal abnormality. There were three findings that were of concern to the doctor.


1. My placenta looked unhealthy, it was very thick. This was of concern because the baby's growth could be hindered and it presented a greater possibility of having a premature or stillborn baby.  From that point on they began to closely monitor the baby's growth which meant more visits to the doctor.

2. The umbilical cord contained only two blood vessels, instead of the normal three. I learned that babies with single umbilical artery have an increased risk for birth defects, including heart, central nervous system and urinary-tract defects and chromosomal abnormalities.

3.  The  baby's heart was in the middle of her chest as opposed to the left.  The doctor was also concerned that there were holes in the baby's heart.  So in addition to my frequent trips to monitor the baby's growth, I also had  to see a pediatric cardiologist.

     When I left the doctors office after hearing the news, I went to the bathroom and cried...sobbed. I felt that I had already met my quota for suffering while going through with Isaiah (baby #5).  Wasn't having your newborn baby stay in the neonatal intensive care unit and undergoing three major surgeries enough?  I cannot go through this again was my response to God. It was too painful. He allowed me to cry and vent and then he gently asked me if I truly believed he was in control.   In that moment by his grace, I made the choice to trust God and receive the peace He was offering. Tyrone and I chose to stand in faith and had others praying with us for total healing of our baby girl.  Walking by faith, was a choice I had to make everyday.

    On April 29th, 2013 at 28 weeks gestation, I was in for yet another surprise. Click here for part two of Faith's story.

Reality

     I have to face the reality that my body is perishing and not meant to last forever.  Sure I can do things to improve my health and well being, and I am a strong advocate of doing so.  However the experiences over the last week forced me reflect on a few sobering truths.  I got hit hard with a nasty sickness.  I  had so much to accomplish on my to do list and while my mind was telling me to forge ahead, my body was screaming the opposite.  I would love to tell you that I exercised wisdom and sat and rested but I can't even begin to tell that lie.  I fought like crazy to defy my reality.  I was soooo frustrated.  It so hard having an agenda and not being able to accomplish it.  Ever been there?

     I began to really think about the end.  Not in a depressing way, but a lets really evaluate things here kind of way.  We are each given an allotted amount of time here on earth and it's so easy to have misguided focus.  We act as if we are immortal and always assume we will have more time.  We assume we will always be as strong as we were yesterday.  We pursue our agenda without noticing that the clock is ticking and one day it is certain to stop.  They say that there are two things that are certain, death and taxes.   Hebrews 9:27 tells us of something else that's certain after death...the judgement.  When I stand before God, what will he think of how I used the time he gave me?  What will he have to say concerning my priorities, did they line up with his?  And my life, my heart, did it belong to him?

     I am feeling better today but I have more of a resolve to build up my spirit, focus on God's agenda because my end is one day closer.  As I put him first, I don't have to dread that day but I can look forward to it with great joy!

Gods Truth Isn't Accommodating

"I'm glad it's going to warm up in the next few days," said the librarian.  Are you kidding me? Did she just say warm up? It's amazing how after dealing with temperatures below zero, the mid 20s can be referred to as warming up.  Her experience with the bitter cold caused her definition of warm to be redefined.   As I was sweeping my kitchen floor later on that day I began to reflect on the comment made by the librarian. That's exactly what has happened to a lot of  "Christians" today.  We live in a culture where sin is rampant and we have become desensitized to truth.  We give in to the temptation to redefine Gods standards, something we have no business or authority to do.  Contrary to popular belief, truth is not relative.  God has not called us to be versatile Christians, willing to redefine his truth to be more "accomodating."  He has called us to be holy , standing for truth even if it's not embraced (1 Peter 1:16 ).  His truth doesn't change like the weather.  It's constant.

Greed, lying, homosexuality, fornicating,  stealing, cheating is NEVER ok (1 Corinthians 6:9-11). As my pastor previously mentioned, God created marriage so try as we might, we can't redefine it. it's so easy for us to give a nod of approval to the very nice gay couple or the well educated boyfriend and girlfriend who are living together and fornicating. Or say it's ok for the poor person to tell a "white lie," because they are struggling and the system has robbed them anyway.  I mean after all we are seeing worse sins happen around us so that ain't too bad.  WRONG! It is that bad, not because that's my opinion but because God said it.   Believe me, I am not trying to act as if I have never sinned or that I am perfect.  I have displeased God many times and have not always lived out or loved HIS truth.  But hear me when I say, I thank  God for mercy and grace and Him giving me a chance to repent and get it right.  Cause Lord knows I haven't always done right and was a very nice sinner.  The good news is, that opportunity for repentance was not only extended to me, but to all (John 3:16).  How awesome!

Truth is God will never change his mind about his truth(Hebrews 13:8) no matter how extreme sin gets, and it will continue to get worse.  The manual for holiness will not be rewritten, sorry no updated copies of the bible where that extreme holiness is edited out.  He wants us hot or cold (Revelation 3:16), not lukewarm, not straddling the fence, not somewhere in the middle, not a versatile Christian.  By his grace I want to remain hot and live out and speak His truth...and you?

Thinking of Eternity

"We must spend time together now because when the kids are grown and gone it will just be us.  We dont want to end up being strangers.". These are the lines I use with my husband to sell the idea of a monthly date night.  I have heard of couples divorcing once the kids are gone.  Why? Because they poured so much time and energy into raising the children and the marriage was neglected.  What a sad ending but it makes sense.  How can I enjoy spending time with someone who became a stranger over the years? This is not to say we are not to raise our children but we must prioritize correctly.

I began to think about eternity.  You know, eternity is forever and ever and ever....it's amazing how we casually talk about it.  We are all going to spend eternity in one of two places, heaven or hell.   Most claim they are going to spend an eternity with a God they don't even have a relationship with now.   If I don't worship him now, what makes me think I will be able to or even want to worship Him for all eternity? It's not just about going to church and being a good person.  It's about having communion with The Lord, totally surrendering all to Him.  It's about Him being our life not an afterthought.   If He is a stranger to me now, then I won't be invited to the party.  As we all make news years resolution, let a right relationship with Jesus be at the top of the list because after the new year has come and gone, eternity still awaits us all!

BEING NEEDY IS NOT ALWAYS A BAD THING

Some days I am tempted to nominate, second, and approve myself as wife and mother of the year.  On these days my activities go as planned, the new recipe I tried for dinner was a winner and all is well and I think, "I GOT THIS."  BUT these days are few and far between. Recently an older cousin stayed with me for a few days.  She was such a blessing and she helped me to realize how much I needed help. Being needy in this case is not a bad thing.    The old adage no man is an island is so true.  God did not design us to go at it alone.  On his earthly tour, Jesus, the son of God had 12 disciples.  What makes me think that God is expecting me to do this alone? I am slowly recognizing that I don't have to be supermom and that it is ok to ask for and receive help.  This admittance  takes a great level of vulnerability and humility. Pride tries to convince me that being needy is for the weak.  It whispers, "you are smart enough, strong enough, no one can do it like you can."  But it is true, God does resist the proud but gives grace to the humble (James 4:6). And believe me when I say I am in desperate need of God's grace.

This mindset of asking for help also applies to our walk with God.  None of us have to fight the devil by ourselves.  Perhaps you are struggling in a certain area but don't want to admit it to anyone.  Purpose in your heart that you will not let pride cause you to carry the same baggage into 2014.  Build relationships with godly people, ask for prayer, let down your guards and confess your sins to another (James 5:16.). It brings healing and liberation!

Reminded

  I'm amazed at how God can create strength  during a season of difficulty.  I was at the hospital last night visiting Faith (baby # 6) and I had an opportunity to connect with another mom whose son was also in nicu.  We swapped our stories and the stress associated with having a newborn in the nicu. We were both physically exhausted but God allowed her to see something in me beyond my physical exhaustion.  She mentioned that it was evident that I had peace.  Here I was physically and emotionally exhausted from running back and forth to the hospital while still trying to maintain some sense of normalcy for the other five children at home, but God allowed this women to see beyond that.  She saw something that I couldn't fabricate.  He allowed her to see that He was the one carrying me and that His grace is sufficient .  As I encouraged this distraught mom, I in turn began to be reminded of what I knew to be true, God is faithful!  I told her of my past experience in the nicu with baby number 5, I told her the lessons I learned, I told her this was working for my good and there was a purpose in all of this.   I spoke to her from a sincere place, not from what I heard or read but what I had experienced during my previous seasons of difficulty. I experienced God in a powerful way which birth a greater level of confidence. A confidence that radiates peace even when my body is weary.  At the end of the conversation a prayer was said, tears were shed, and hugs were exchanged.  I walked away with a renewed strength for the journey because I was reminded.

Difficulty is a thread that has been woven into my life but it has brought such a sweet return.  Going through doesn't feel good, it hurts and yes I have had moments of crying, feeling overwhelmed and being very emotional.  I want my baby home with me and not in the hospital . But I cannot deny the beauty on the other side of suffering, and this time around, I am catching glimpses of beauty before the trial even ends. It seems like a contradiction, beauty for ashes?  Very true, it's my reality.