I AM AN ADDICT!

I am an addict!  It is really difficult for me to get through the day without this thing.  I really cant function and my days seem to fall apart without it.  I must confess that I am addicted to prayer.  Not because I am super spiritual but because I am human with many frailties.  Prayer is my fix.  I really am a hot mess without it (ask my husband and children).  There is just something about throwing myself at the feet of Jesus, telling him all my unedited thoughts.  In prayer I don’t have to tell him what I think he wants to hear.  I tell him what I am really feeling, the good the bad and the ugly.  Then I take him up on his word and ask him to fix me, fix the mess, the pain and the hurt.  There are times when I just sit and cry but I am fully convinced that he understands the meaning of each tear.  And while the cause of my pain may not immediately go away, just being in his presence crying like a baby gives me a peace beyond my understanding.  I leave with a confidence that it is going to be alright. I may not know how it will work out, but our time together reminds me that it will and all for my good. 

Then there are those times I run to prayer  begging the Lord to tell me that I am not crazy for standing in faith even though I feel bullied by doubt and all his buddies.  The times where the comments of others cause me to question if I am being too extreme, taking this faith thing a little too far.  Ever been there?  The times where I need to have the Lord comfort me and remind me that walking by faith will seem foolish to the world but it pleases him, and in the end that’s all that matters.   

 I also have times of  carrying the burdens of those I love, rolling over in my head how to fix them and their situation.  At times  the burden leaves me paralyzed because I want to make it all better .   Then I am reminded that while I have no power to fix anything or anyone, I can pray.  I become even more confident when I remember that God hears  my prayer and is able to change any situation, no matter how hopeless.  So I come to God  on their behalf and do what I should have done in the first place…PRAY!

Then there are times where praise and adoration flow from my lips and I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving.  The more I rehearse his goodness, the more I become aware of how awesome he is and I don’t want the moment to stop. I look for the pause button in these moments of sweet communion, hoping the phone wont ring and the children will remain asleep.  But inevitably these moments of prayer have to come to an end, but the residue of praise remains.

Yes I am addicted.  I am not looking for a cure, just for more!

1 Thessalonians 5:17:  NEVER STOP PRAYING

I am bald but my baldness doesn’t define who I am.  I got it.  Today I embrace me, all of me.  Laying aside the shame, the insecurities and I am choosing to begin the journey of being confident and joyous in who I really am, bald head and all.  Today I did something that I didn’t think I would have had the courage to do before.  I got up in front of a room of about 50 women and as the warm tears flowed down my cheeks I took off my wig and showed them ME .  They didn’t laugh.  They didn’t whisper and tear me down. Instead they cried.  They cheered.  They embraced.  They praised God.  They spoke life.  THEY LOVED ME, the real me. 

This was a defining moment in my life.  I took a stance against the enemy and my actions screamed at him, letting him know that I choose to no longer be bound by the shame he wants me to have.  In that moment I unlocked some of the chains from my past that still had me bound and I CHOSE TO walk in another level of freedom that Jesus has already purchased for me.  In that moment there was a greater level of death to the old me and birth was given to something new.  I am not saying that I will never wear wigs again as I wait for healing to manifest BUT i now have a new perspective!

I have always been overly concerned with what others think of me.  I always have to put my best foot forward.  I have to please.  I have to be liked. Filled with pride.  The same symptoms that lead to my very bald head.   I began to loose my hair because I put too much stress on it with chemicals and weaves.   When I first began to loose my hair, the thought of giving up chemicals  was not even an option.  Why?  Because the real me of course was not good enough, not cute enough,  no way could I  let others see me in my natural state.  Deep rooted insecurities birth from past experiences.

Hear me when I say that this is not about whether or not you should put chemicals or extension in your hair.  Doing these things pointed to a deeper issue  FOR ME (this may not be the case for everyone).  When I was told by a dermatologist to stop putting chemicals in my hair, I scoffed at the idea.  Go natural and show everyone me, absolutely not.  Driven by insecurities and pride I continued the vicious cycle of destroying my hair follicles until they shut down and well, I was left bald  with no other option but to wear wigs.

    

BUT MY GOD IS SO AWESOME.  Through a chain of painful events, the healing process began.  I have prayed and stood in faith believing the Lord to supernaturally restore my hair.  Its nothing for God to just touch my scalp and have hair appear.   However, I recognize that God is more concerned about me getting the lesson than the blessing. The blessing can be fleeting but once I get the lesson its lasting and can be applied to other areas of my life guaranteeing more victory.  Unveiling my bald head  today was necessary for my healing.  It went so much deeper than taking off my wig.  I was taking off the shame, the hurt from the past, insecurities, conflicting thoughts.  I now have even more faith to believe the Lord for restoration of my hair because today inward healing took place and I rejoice!  

What is it that you have to take off for healing to begin?  A new level of freedom awaits you when you do.

So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.  John 8:36

Can I Tell You Something?

I have settled into my NEW NORMAL!  The last few months have been quite an adventure and we are beginning to slow down FOR NOW...  We were blessed to move into a bigger home to accommodate our large family.  God moved in a supernatural way and opened a door that we could not open on our own. This blog is to encourage you to stand in faith and to believe God for the impossible.  This is not just about a bigger house but it is to put spotlight on a God that still honors faith and moves mountains.  Put on your cyber listening ears and allow me to TESTIFY!!!!!

When my husband and I first moved into our previous home 8 years ago, it was so big.  It was just the two of us and a baby on the way.  That was in 2003.  But 2005 came and we welcomed our 2nd child, then wouldnt you know it baby number 3 came in 2007.  We had developed a pattern of having a baby on odd years and the trend continued.  Baby number 4 came in 2009 and blessing number five came 2011.  If you were exhausted reading that imagine what it was like for us. Needless to say, we outgrew our humble abode and desperately needed more space.

But there was just one little problem.  The finances were telling us that we COULDNT afford to move.  When we first moved in our home, it required a lot of TLC, so we took out a loan to do some home improvement.  After we were done doing what we needed to do to make the home livable, we had incurred a large amount of debt. We were not required to pay back the loan until we moved out of the house and there was no interest.  We did not anticipate having so many children so quickly and assumed that we would be in the house for quite a while.  God however had another plan.  My husband was the only one with an income. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 8 years, so we didnt just happen to have an extra $28,000 hanging out in our savings to pay this debt so we could move.  But we couldnt deny that we needed more space.  We petitioned the Lord and had other like minded believers standing in faith with us. To make a very long story short the debt was FORGIVEN IN FULL!  God seems to major in forgiveness of debt doesn't He, remember the cross scenario?  We received news that our $28,000 debt was forgiven in full the day that our fifth child came out of his first of three major surgeries.  The news was a great source of encouragement for us during this season of great uncertainty.  We were were SUPER EXCITED!  But we still did not have any extra money to move forward!

We continued to stand in faith and not focus on our bank account.  We went looking at homes that we knew we couldnt afford, all the while praying for yet another miracle.  The house hunting process was a very long one and we had many moments of feeling discouraged but pressed forward in faith.  There were many believers standing and believing with us.  In the process of looking for a home, a dear sister at our church told us something that we initially did not have the faith for.  She told us that she was believing the Lord to give us a house that was no less than 4000 sq ft and that our new mortgage would be the same or less than what we had been paying for our 1100 sq ft home.  WHAT? That was just crazy. We did the smile and nod script when she first shared this impossible desire with us.  But with time, we began to believe the Lord for just that.

To add to the frustration of the house hunting process, no one seemed to be interested in our home that was now on the market.  By divine intervention we had some teachers from our children's school LITERALLY show up at our front door expressing interest in renting our home. We had previously dismissed the idea of renting because we did not want to deal with having people in our home that we did not know.  BUT the Lord stepped in and sent these tenants to our front door.  They were very serious about renting the property, so much so that they were willing to give us security deposit months in advance.  It was also an added bonus that they were not total strangers to us. We agreed to rent them the property but expressing to them that we still had not found a home to purchase.

Right when we hit the point of fatigue, my husband came across a home on the internet in an area that we had not even thought about.  The home was only 5 years old and had recently gone into foreclosure. When my husband saw it on the internet, it had been on the market for a few days.  I must admit that when he first showed me the home online, I was not impressed and thought that it looked too good to be true.  I assumed that there had to be a catch and they were lying about the measurements of the home considering the listing price.  He  called our Realtor and had her schedule an  appointment.  RELUCTANTLY i went.  I had my "I told you so" speech all ready for after we viewed the house and realized that it was a scam.  But wouldnt you know it, God blew our minds!  The home was beautiful, perfect for our family.  We made an offer that was lower than the already reasonable listing price.  We were told that  the bank would not entertain our price because the asking price was already so low.  We figured God had brought us this far so why not!  The bank did budge and fast forward to a few months later, I am now sitting in that same house on my computer typing my TESTIMONY!

Yes thats right, the home is now ours.  Not only is it a beautiful home but it is 4103 sq ft and oh yeah our mortgage payment is $25 dollars cheaper than what we were paying for our 1100 sq ft home. GLORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Now God is not our genie who just gives us whatever we want whenever we want it.  This was a process and it served a purpose. During our season of waiting God taught us

1. To give out of our lack,even when it just doesnt make sense
2. God's timing is certainly not ours but dont give up if it doesnt come when you desperately want it to or expect it.
3. To Serve Him faithfully even when we dont have what we WANT.
4. Continually surrender and relinquish control even in areas that is downright uncomfortable (e.g. having all these babies when we just didnt see how on ONE income?)
5.  Continue to walk in faith and not be concerned about appearing negligent and foolish in the eyes of others.
6. When the blessing comes, it may not be in the package you expect it but its just what you need
7.  Look to Him and not man to be our provider
8.  We dont have to try to defend why we serve Jesus, He always silences the naysayers in a LOUD WAY
9.  Praise Him in LITTLE and in PLENTY cause He is the same good  God regardless of the season
10. Serve God and not the blessing!

Ephesians 3:20
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, ²¹ to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

A GREAT DISTRACTION

It is so easy for me to get distracted.  I start cleaning my living room and go to the kitchen to get something and before you know it, I start cleaning the kitchen, forgetting about the living room.  I go on the internet to google great colors to paint your kitchen and also begin to look up colors for the closet.  There are times where I am “accidentally” distracted.  However, most of the time I am actively looking for a distraction in attempts to avoid something that needs to be addressed. 

The other morning I was exhausted and desperately needed to clean my house but I was LOOKING for something to distract me. I didn’t want to think, I didn’t want to move. Then it happened.  I heard the Holy Spirit whisper ever so gently inviting me be distracted by Him.  Now there is a thought for you!  What if in my moments of fatigue, desperation, and despair I run to the Lord to distract me?  This is certainly not a novel idea. The Lord has already made this invitation to all of us in Mathew 11:28, when He said, “…Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” 

We look for distractions because we don’t want to deal with whatever is before us.  When I allow the Lord to be my distraction, He gives me rest and I don’t become overwhelmed or consumed by the very thing I am running from.  When I sit in His presence, I get refreshed, gain wisdom, find peace and abiding joy!  Very much a worthwhile distraction!

VICTORY!

I was driving the other day and began to reflect on my past and the tears began to flow.  Tears of regret.   I began to reflect on some poor choices that I made and the consequences that followed, some of which had an impact on me even after I came to Christ.  I began to play out different scenes in my head and the more I thought on them the more depressed I became, then the enemy began to accuse and mock me.  He reminded me that I should have known better and how could I?  I allowed myself to receive the accusations.   Now mind you, I have long repented of these sins but in that moment I began to relive them.  I allowed the enemy to trick me into feeling condemned.  

I had to make a choice to SNAP out of this and recognize that I NOW have the victory.  The Anika that played out in those scenes in my head was dead, I no longer knew this person and by the grace of God, that old Anika will never be resurrected!  I have the victory but I had to claim it at that moment of condemnation, it wasn’t an automatic thing.  I am in a war and I had no choice but to engage and fight the devil with the truth of God’s word.    I had to remind myself of the NEW & IMPROVED ME!  The New blood bought, sanctified, Forgiven, Victorious Me!  & you know what, the more I stood on who I now am, the devil had to get off my back.  I am sure he will revisit again but I thank God that I have the ammunition to fight and to rebuke!

DO you find yourself living in condemnation?  What triggers these moment of condemnation?  Do you wallow in self pity or do you stand on the truth of God’s word and fight?  Don’t let the devil take you back, move forward in who you now are in Christ!

2 Corinthians 5:17

If any man is in Christ He is a new creation.  Old things are passed away and behold all things have become new. 

AMEN & AMEN! I absolutely love this verse, it is my reality!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQfc7iQecw8  (powerful song that fully illustrates my point)

HE IS SUCH A KNOW IT ALL

The other morning I was having devotion with my five children.  Let me rephrase that, all five of them were in the room but only 3 were paying attention.  I read them the story of Ezekiel and the valley of dry bones.  Then we got to the verse where Ezekiel calls God sovereign.  Of course inquiring minds wanted to know what sovereign meant.   I tried my best to explain to my young children the meaning, then the light bulb went off for my 8 year old and she said, “Oh so God is a know it all!”  EXACTLY!  Yes He is a know it all because He is in control!  The two go hand in hand, being in control and all knowing!     In her 2^nd grade world, being labeled as a know it all is right up there with being called a tattletale.  But she understood that God’s label was a bit different.  I absolutely love the way God reveals Himself to children.  Simple yet very profound.   

I am so happy that I know THE KNOW IT ALL GOD!  If I rest in the fact that God is in control and He knows it all, would I worry so much?  Would I question His plans for my life, wondering if He may steer me the wrong way?  Would I fight with everything in me to have control?  I mean really.  I should be floating through life in the arms of my in control, know it all God, rejoicing that He knows the end from the beginning and ALL (I mean ALL) I have to do is TRUST HIM!  So refreshing to be reminded of this truth.  Life is unpredictable. We will have seasons of joy and others of great struggle but relax our know it all God is in control.

Read the story of Ezekiel and Valley of Dry Bones (Ezekiel 37).  Great source of encouragement! 

Rose Colored Glasses

We were sitting at the table having a lighthearted conversation over lunch when  Joel asked me what  I was  like when I was younger.  Before I could give him a long poetic answer as to how wonderful , special & loveable I was as a child, his sister blurts out, “SHE WAS A HEATHEN!”  I was shocked and totally caught off guard by her response.  I have had previous conversations with Naomi about my past and explained to her that I did not always serve Jesus so that made me a heathen.  I didn’t expect her to repeat this, at least not in my moment to shine, not in my moment of bragging to my first born man child as to how special his mommy was.

Isnt it so tempting and easy to look back at our past through rose colored glasses?  If we are not careful, we allow the enemy to trick us into believing that it was better back then.  This can grow seeds of discontentment leaving us longing for a yesterday that really wasn’t all that wonderful, especially if we didn’t know Christ.  How often do we look at our present life and think it was so much better then…but was it really?  We need the truth of God’s word to shock us into how much better things are TODAY because we know him, even if we don’t have the perfect spouse, perfect job, perfect children, perfect home, etc…  Things are absolutely positively better because we know JESUS!

In what areas of your life have you allowed discontentment to creep in, leaving you to long for yesterday?  Do you feel like you look back at your past through distorted lens?  What can you be thankful for TODAY?  How is your life better today, have you thanked God for the change?

Luke 9:62

But Jesus told him, "Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God."